it's been a while since i really had a private post..
but somehow i need to let it out..
the mom said tt the reason i got sick was because i was angry...
well, partly true...i guess the anger just breaks me down and simply make me
sick...
in her words...
you have made progress but it's little progress...
you need to make faster progress...
then she said, it's obvious from the files that the learning tone is not there..
the students dun respect you and therefore do not follow what you say..
hence no matter how hard you teach, they are not going to do well at all...
somehow, the words, hurt me..
like i am really at a state where i do not care anymore..
but when she said that the students dun respect me and hence, when it comes to filing, they don't bother...
it hurts me a lot...
coz she brings in the students...
she is telling me that the students are vicious...
and that they are purposely sabotaging me coz they dun respect me...
and she was saying that i am given good classes and hence the expectation for them to perform is there...
and yet, they are not performing..
why?
"it's because the learning tone and discipline is not there..."
"you really need to reflect on what has been happening this year and see where you need to improve on"
sigh....
it's like an indirect way of saying...i am not good enough...i suck..
like i am not fit to be a teacher...i should just quit..
i know i am thinking too much...but this is the vibe i am getting from her...
i am really tired...
of her expectations..
of what she wants...
of her lack of feelings and tact...
doesn't she realise tt i am still in my first year..
very green
very overwhelmed by a lot of things..
imagine..
1st half of my 1st yr --> managing 5 classes of the same level
2nd half of the year --> handling upper sec i.e Sec 3 express and NA AND taking over sec 4 express and NA for the first time..
i mean it's all new to me, i am really trying my best..
but it seems my best is not good enough for her...
effort to her does not count...
results count...
of course, all my classes are not doing as well as the other classes...aka her classes and another experienced teacher...
if i was an experienced teacher and i did not perform, i would understand..
but here is a beginning teacher who is trying her all...
doesn't she ever realise that?
and she compares me with this other beginning teacher who managed to get better results...
and is like implying tt this proves her point that i am a useless teacher...
here's smthg tt she doesn't know or choose not to take note...
the woman marked leniently!
that is why her classes are doing well..
i mean how is it possible that one of her classes which i marked, can score badly?
it doesn't make sense at all...
indeed, i feel that i am too nice...
really do not suit the school where flattery, bootlicking and fierce talking back gets you somewhere and you receive protection..
being nice and true to the self and the concept of teaching...does not get you anywhere..
have decided...i am going to give it another year...
provided i dun fail my confirmation...
if i fail...then we'll see how life works..
if i pass, then another year there for me, before i ask for a transfer...
i really cannot stand it...
am just hanging on for just this batch whom i taught since i came into this sch...
story of one's life..
is full of drama...and problems..
def at the stage of my life where i am feeling confused and lost in terms of matching my ideals with reality...
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